"though this be madness, yet there is method in't"

Ah, the holiday season! Whatever holiday you celebrate, this time of year is, or was, for many, a time for family, friends, good spiritedness, and oh yeah, PRESENTS! Duh.

Let’s be honest, that’s kind of the whole point here.

Gift giving throughout the various winter-season holidays has become a staple in our culture. Retail outlets have capitalized on the season enormously, and generally every year you see an increase in available retail jobs and seasonal positions right around Black Friday that, while helpful in paying the bills, tend to make even the cheeriest single moms and college students want to scream and slit their wrists.

Next time you’re shopping, letting your little nightmarish children run around while you shop, or just asking a stupid fucking question of a cheerful Sales Associate/Advisor/Slave, be aware…

1. If You’re Looking At The Poster Or Mannequin Displaying The Object You Want, It’s Probably Right In Front Of Your Fucking Face.

Stores use common sense to organize things. Some stores use styles/concepts, others use color schemes, and often a combination of both (and more) is where it’s at. When you walk into a store and you see mannequins, display tables and posters depicting something that interests you, know that whatever that object is is probably right in front of your face.

You know, organized. Like this.

Why? Why do you think? Because they want to sell it to you. Don’t ask me stupid fucking questions. I’m trying to work, here.

2. When You Are Asked “Debit or Credit?” … “Whatever Works Best” Is Not An Appropriate Response.

Listen, geniuses. Have you heard of credit card fraud? You know, identity theft? It’s a big fucking problem. And the cashier on a slow train ride to suicide-land has to ask you that question for a REASON. Generally, credit card purchases require ID in most stores, while debit card purchases do not (because of the whole PIN thing). And honestly, I could give two shits if someone stole your credit card number and bought $2,000 worth of stuff with it, so long as I’m not losing my job over it.

To be honest, this chick is so innocent-looking that no one would suspect that her name isn’t really Robert, as it appears on your credit card.

So just ANSWER the question please.

3. No, I Do Not Have Another Size “In The Back.” Go Away.

So you just found the dress/shirt/whatever of your dreams and it’s a size too small, probably having something to do with you inhaling eggnog and cookies for a month.

Sorry, but you are S.O.L.

This isn’t true of every retail store, but most of the time the answer is no. And even if we DO have some in the stockroom (aka “the back”) they are back-stocked for a reason, and can’t just be picked out one by one. It’s not just a place where random extra shit is kept until someone decides they need a bigger size for their ass. Don’t be silly.

If you see it, then lo and fucking behold, we have it. If you don’t, try another store or try another day. In the meantime, begone.

OR BE VANQUISHED.

4. Every Stack Of Shirts/Pants/Whatever That You Encounter Is Not A Mess Waiting For You To Create It…

…ESPECIALLY when you just watched me re-fold that entire stack of t-shirts. And now it’s all on the floor again because your XXL was at the bottom of the stack. Dick.

Honestly. I’m trying to figure out what’s convinced everyone shopping like a hurricane is okay. Approaching a neat rack of dresses and leaving it looking like this is NOT OKAY.

FUCKINGJUSTFUCKINGSTOPITOMGWTF

Look through things neatly. You do not need to throw things in all directions like some kind of lunatic until you find your size. TRY and leave things how you found them as much as you can…it’s just fucking polite. REALIZE that it is someone’s job to clean the mess you just created, and that if you keep doing that, eventually karma is going to catch up with you, and you’re going to slip on a rogue hanger or sweater and crack your stupid fucking head open.

I’m not cleaning up THAT mess.

5. When You Leave The Fitting Room, Do Not Hand Me A Pile of Garments And A Pile Of Hangers. For The Love Of God, Re-Hang Your Shit!

This is easily the rudest thing that customers do. I mean come on…at least TRY. I have observed that most holiday shoppers are too dumb to know how to properly hang a garment in a store. But at least give it a shot…whatever you do at home will work. But handing me 3 pairs of pants and 4 tee shirts, and then handing me 7 hangers is going to make me fucking homicidal.

What’s worse is when you just leave a 5 year old’s pile of clothing on the floor of the fitting room and walk out, cheerfully smiling at me because you know full well that I am going to be the one to have to clean up after you. 

This blogger sounded rather enthusiastic about her fitting room mess, above.
I hope the poor schmucks who had to clean this up never find that page.

Just don’t do it anymore.

Otherwise I’m summoning these guys to END YOU.

paladinoflight asked: Your last post had in me in tears laughing. I can tell right now that Asians are shitty tippers because in Asian countries, tipping is considered an insult. If you try to tip they will give it back to you. XD

Keep on, girl. <3

Hahaha thank yoooou! I have heard that about Asian countries … I try to be understanding… but you know, this IS America. If I travel somewhere else, I am happy to observe their customs. I would think the same should be true in reverse. :)

Ah, Polonius. Always giving us simple words to live by and then driveling on about some other nonsense for half a page. He’s honestly one of my favorite Shakespearean characters and this quote just seemed so appropriate.

I just read this financial article on MSN. Apparently after being bailed out by billions of dollars of our taxpayer money, certain banks are now complaining that they have too much cash. I’m not kidding.

Here’s the link to the (very poorly written but thankfully very short) article about how banks, recently bailed out by ridiculous amounts of our tax money, are now complaining that they have too much of it. And after the link (which will open in an ew window) is my rant.

http://money.msn.com/stock-broker-guided/article.aspx?post=fe47ae55-0d5d-4e86-978e-b950b8fcaca4&GT1=33031

SERIOUSLY??? When are people going to realize that money PERIOD is not the solution? It is the problem! Right-wing nutjobs love to quote the Bible and get all Evangelical, which I find seriously entertaining because the Bible says that “The love of money is the root of all evil” (1 Timothy 6:10, in case you’re wondering). However those same Evangelical right wing nutcases also LOVE their big bank accounts. And I LOVE hypocrites.

Every problem we have is ULTIMATELY, at the bottom of it all, because of the fact that the human race cannot for the most part let go of the concept of money (although there are places where it doesn’t exist!). I know this sounds radical and a lot of people are going to get pissed when they read this, but it’s time to get rid of money altogether.

Anyone ever watch Star Trek? Remember the New World Economy they had? When money “went the way of the dinosaur.” It’s time. In case you thought it was all fun and BS, Gene Roddenberry actually had very intelligent ideas which is why the original ST got shut down after only 3 seasons and why during those seasons, this rather innocuous show was censored and edited in Southern states…too controversial. Everything was based on people working for the betterment of humanity as a whole. Charity, scientific advancements, people working to do what they love instead of slaving away for a meager paycheck while the person writing the check does 1/3 of the work you do and makes many, many times more than you.

War, poverty and disease all disappear without money. Doesn’t that sound nice? Not to have that in the world? Stock market problems disappear because people invest time and effort rather than numbers of dollars in a computer that don’t really exist anywhere. IMO someone should just pull a Fight Club on all these mf’s, we should get rid of the dollar and every other form of currency. If we’re going to trade we should trade goods for goods, fair and equal. No keeping third world countries in poverty while we reap the benefits of their hard labor at cheap, basically thieving, prices.

People are still running around like lemmings thinking that everything is all about us, all about this little money system we have on this little planet in this little galaxy. My ex actually had an argument with me about this once a few years back. He really thought that Earth was the only place that life could exist. He argued that the requirements for a planet to be created that could sustain life were SO many and SO intricate that this was the only place in all of the infinite universe that could possibly have the correct combination.

No, really. I’m serious. That’s what he told me.

Turns out scientists have already found about 700 potentially Earth-like planets just through their little primitive telescopes. They estimate that there are approximately 100 million planets with habitable potential IN THIS GALAXY alone. I wonder if he read that article….if not, someone should let him know…. (Here’s one of the many links on the subject: http://nextbigfuture.com/2010/07/nasa-kepler-space-telescope-has-700.html)

In any case, I really don’t get why everyone is so one-dimensional, why no one will think outside the box. Start by auditing the FED, use the money to fix the country and get EVERYONE, rich poor young old whatever, in a place where they can thrive, be creative and innovative and find out what works. Stop giving the rich more money and taking it away from the poor…just use all of it to everyone’s benefit.

And then transition and get rid of the money system altogether. Get rid of energy sources that harm our planet. We can have a fully “green” system, co-existing harmlessly with our natural environment, full of advanced technology that EVERYONE can benefit from. No more fossil fuel gas or nuclear electricity. Ever seen the sun? There’s all the energy we need for everything. Gas companies, the government and banks won’t go for it because they will never let go of the money system in the first place for obvious reasons (or agree to auditing their precious Fed). THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. They care about PROFITS, about having money and having luxurious lifestyles, nice stuff, and POWER over the rest of us so that they can stay on their lonely little pedestal.

But people forget, we only get one planet, and if we destroy this one as we are, not only environmentally but socially and economically, we destroy ourselves. We destroy humanity. Is a few extra bucks in your wallet really worth staying in this cycle of destruction until we ultimately bring about our own demise? We in the US alone have enough food to feed the world, but money (and the lack thereof) causes people to go hungry, to go without power or running water, to live on our streets and out of our dumpsters while others dine at fancy restaurants and waste most of the food they order (I would know. Working in a restaurant is often sad when you see all the food you are responsible for throwing away).

Of course, most people are too stuck in their way of being and thinking to even seriously consider something like this. They rely so heavily on the system that is killing them, blinding them, stealing from them, that they will actually fight to defend it. This is ultimately the saddest part of all this.

Fair warning, readers. This is going to be my restaurant post. It’s going to be long. I don’t know yet if it’s going to be hilarious or just an explosion of anger and frustration on my computer screen, or both, but I guess we’ll find out.

Long story short, I work in a restaurant. It’s a P.F. Changs. I’ll take the time right now to just say that of course -disclaimer- my opinions are my own and don’t reflect those of P.F. Chang’s. I’m not going to say which P.F. Changs I work at, or name anyone by their real names; I believe there are over 200 so that should provide some degree of anonymity (and hopefully keep me out of trouble :P )

Now, there’s nothing wrong with P.F. It’s a great place to work if you’re in the restaurant industry. At the first one I served at, a nice east coast location in a wealthier part of town, I really enjoyed the work, staff and management, and for the most part, the clientele. Weekend days and nights (Friday and Saturday night especially, and Sunday lunch is not usually too bad either) I’d take home 3 digits in tips…often in the 200-300$ range. This is pretty good pay for a pretty easy job. At P.F. they really facilitate the job for the servers, so it’s not quite as grueling as at some other restaurants.

Doesn’t mean the job is EASY, though. It occurs to me now that a list of things that piss me off (and every other server in any restaurant, Chang’s or otherwise) might be an  ideal way to organize this post…This leads me to the first thing that “grinds my gears” (thank you, Family Guy):

1. Guests Who Assume That Because You’re A Server In A Restaurant, You’re Must Be A Dumbass.

In case you’re confused (you shouldn’t be), every time someone comes in to a restaurant to sit down and eat, we refer to them as guests. It’s considered rude to call them customers…but whatever.

These are the people who, when you walk up to the table, treat you like some moron who failed out of high school and never finished. They assume that this is the high point of your life, and that you have always worked in a restaurant and that you will always work here. They basically consider you a servant with minimal intelligence, and because they have to pay for their food, these people think that it’s somehow appropriate to express these ideas TO THE PERSON WHO IS HANDLING THEIR FOOD. Being rude, speaking slowly in an obviously offensive manner, telling them they better not mess it up, and having a nasty attitude are all sure fire ways to make your server hate you. The second that happens, you can be guaranteed that they will ignore you as much as possible, first of all because they know you aren’t going to leave a good tip anyway and second of all because they don’t want to deal with your attitude. This will in turn cause you to worsen your own dining experience. Everyone loses. Also, if you are one of these people, be assured that your server is probably talking shit about you behind your back the second they walk away from your table. And everything they are saying is probably true.

Let’s all take a tip from the movie “Waiting…” NEVER FUCK WITH THE PERSON WHO HANDLES YOUR FOOD.

Now, I’ve never seen someone spit in someone’s dish, or put pubes as garnish and all the other gross things that happen in that (hilarious) movie. But I work in a higher end restaurant than Shenanigans. This kind of thing definitely happens at less fancy restaurants…the three hour food handler’s card class that you have to sit through (and pay for) in California to legally serve food means NOTHING, really, it’s all stuff you already know or is common sense. Doesn’t stop them from spitting in your food.

Rule #1: Never assume that because your server is doing this job that they are some kind of idiot. If you’re closed minded enough to make this assumption, at the very least don’t treat your server like you think they’re a moron until they’ve proven it.

2. Guests Who Don’t Understand How To Tip/Guests Who Are Too Cheap To Tip Properly.

All you bad tippers out there: this one is for you.

Now, I’m going to chalk this one up to area/neighborhood and the socioeconomic conditions there. The ratio of bad tippers to good tippers increases as the quality of the area declines. Frankly, non-Americans are generally considered the worst tippers. And there’s a reason for the stereotype. Now, I’m racially a complete mutt. I’m not racist against anyone—I don’t think I’m better than anyone for any reason, especially race.

BUT.

As a server, it’s ENTIRELY possible to determine who is going to leave you a good tip before you ever bring a damn thing to the table. I’m not going to go through the breakdown of what races or groups tend to tip what percentage, but suffice it to say that every server out there reading this already knows. I will say that, before I was a server (I was a hostess) I always heard that Asians, including Indians, and Latinos, are the worst tippers. I can’t tell you the complaints I would hear from the servers. The requests I would get to not seat certain people in their section. I once had an African American server ask me not to seat black people in his section. I shit you not. I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen (or have myself) guessed at the exact amount of the tip in question and then been correct…”$74 check….$7.” Bam, $7 in the book. Like magic. -.-

I want to make this clear. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RACISM AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH GETTING PAID.

That’s right. As your server, the ONLY thing we REALLY care about is that tip. Sure, we may like you, we may even laugh and joke around with you, we may address you with the utmost respect. And we are respectful people. But there’s a reason we are expected to act a certain way.

I’m going to say this and I’m going to say this once. IN AMERICA, IT IS CUSTOMARY TO TIP 15%-20% OF YOUR CHECK TOTAL, OR MORE. Obviously, the higher you tip, the better your server was. I don’t care that people find it insulting in other countries. I don’t care that where you’re from, 10% is considered “generous.” I really don’t. You are coming into a restaurant and by doing so you are requesting a certain service, and you are expected to pay for it. Read the manual before you come to America. I know all those tourist manuals tell you the customs and shit. I’ve seen them. READ IT. BREATHE IT. LIVE IT. Yes, a tip is optional…technically. But then again, Massachusetts only pays servers $2.63 an hour. Parties of 8 or more automatically pay 18% gratuity where I work. Obviously even the government expects you to tip. If you receive shitty service, by all means, leave a shitty tip.  But cough it up, tightwads.

This is not to say that I’ve never received good tips. In fact, the change of location (I just transferred restaurants 3,000 miles away from each other) is largely the biggest factor in my experiences here. It’s only in the last month or so of working in this new location that I’ve ever even experienced this kind of thing. That’s why it’s so outrageous to me…I’m just used to a particular kind of clientele, I think, and they are generally classy and come with money to spend. But that’s not the case here… and I was just blind-sighted. I mean, come on! Who expects that kind of change, when you’re doing the exact same job for the same company, just in a different city? I definitely did not.

Look. Don’t be CHEAP. Seriously. If you’re going to be cheap just don’t come. Just don’t. I don’t even care. I’d just, I’d rather not bust my ass for you so I can get $2 on a $50 check after you and your kid and your spouse just spent an hour and a half taking up the best table in my section. And ordered and shared a prix-fix meal meant for two people. And had me taking pictures of the family at dinner when I have a hundred things to do. And had me pack (table-side, mind you) your “leftovers,” you know, the measly 2-and-a-half-pieces-of-chicken-left kind of leftovers that I can’t believe you’re even asking me for a box for. Am I being clear enough here?

Here’s some useful information for all those people who think tipping is no big deal. Most corporate restaurants sell frozen dishes in your grocer’s tv-dinner aisle. I know P.F. Chang’s launched a frozen line sometime a year or two ago. I’ve purchased T.G.I. Friday’s for lunch at the office before.

Rule #2. I DON’T CARE WHAT COLOR YOU ARE OR WHERE YOU ARE FROM. IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE A TIP, SAVE US THE TROUBLE OF SERVING YOU AND CLEANING UP AFTER YOU (AND THE DEGRADATION OF YOUR SHITTY TIP) AND JUST GO TO THE GODDAMN GROCERY STORE. You don’t need to tip there. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a grocery store checkout stand with so much as a styrofoam tip cup. Seriously, this is paying our rent, so at least have the decency to leave our tables open for people who are respectful enough to tip properly. Restaurants are for people with money, not broke people with a $45 budget who rack up a $43 bill and leave you the extra $2 they have left over. Okay, woosah. I just feel strongly about this…for obvious reasons, I think.

3. Guests With Obnoxious Children

I’m not going to blame the children for this one. Not at all. This one is 100% the PARENTS’ FAULT.

At my restaurant, we provide children with the usual entertainment: crayons, something cute to color on and do puzzles, even those little chop stick connector things so kids can use the damn things. At my previous 2 Changs, we had “wikki stix,” which are these infernal little brightly colored plastic string sticky toys that the kids can separate and mold into different little shapes and pictures. Of course, the table is what they stick them TO, never do the parents suggest the use of a napkin or the kids’ menu or something. Nope, just the table. Where the food goes. I really could never understand why they designed such a horrible thing for a child to have in a restaurant.

As a server, I should not need to dread children coming into my section. But oftentimes, I find that this is exactly what happens when I see the hostess walking to my section with two or three (or more) people accompanied by small children. I’m talking Dora The Explorer age kids, ages 0-5. Older than that is usually no big deal.

Any child under the age of four should be left at home with a sitter if possible. A restaurant is not an appropriate place to feed your child at that age. Of course, if they are well-behaved, by all means, they are welcome (I still think it’s weird) and their presence may even be almost-enjoyed.

However, most of the time, they are NOT well-behaved. If you need some kind of TV screen/laptop/whatever to babysit your child during dinner (because you are incapable of making your child behave yourself), that’s a clue that they are not yet old enough to join you at a sit-down restaurant. It’s also a clue that you’re already failing as a parent.

Now, I’ll let the little mini laptops and iPads with movies sitting on my table slide. Yes, it’s a pain in the ass. It poses an enormous liability for me as a server, because if something happens to your precious little piece of technology (you know, like your kid smacks my tray and all your drinks go spilling all over your iPad or whatever), you will probably blame me and expect me to pay for it. Which I won’t. But anyway…I’ll let it slide. Maybe an expensive dinner and a $10/hr babysitter isn’t possible. It’s rough out there. I get it. As long as they’re not obnoxious about it, I don’t really mind, but when they start throwing rice, I start getting a little miffed.

Now. I will definitely not let it slide when it becomes a matter of messiness. Children who scream, throw things (for us it’s sticky RICE, think about how much fun that is to clean up after you’ve gone home), break things, are rude and demanding (I’m sorry little 3 year old, are YOU paying for this meal?), who trash the crayons and draw on tables and adult menus (instead of the kids menu…WHY) and then leave me crayon wrappers and broken crayons (that have been stepped on and ground into the floor) to clean up, THESE children are the kind of children I don’t let the hostesses seat in my section. THESE children need to be kept at home and taught some fucking manners before they are allowed in public.

If you have no choice but to bring your ill-mannered brat into a restaurant, expect to leave an extra 10% AT LEAST. There is literally nothing I hate more than serving a table of like 3 kids and 2 adults and having an enormous (to put it lightly) mess to clean up. Especially when the “tip” they left is just…insulting. To keep myself from going completely berserk out there on the floor, I’ve taken to busing (we don’t have “bus boys”) and cleaning all of my tables before I open the check presenter to see what my tip is. At least that way I can go nuts in the kitchen where none of our lovely guests will see me.

Rule #3: Children are best left at home, (especially obnoxious children, and that’s your fault, parents, and you know who you are) but if you absolutely must bring them, please, for the love of God, exercise some control over your child, do some parenting, and don’t leave a mess you wouldn’t allow in your own home for me to clean up. Especially if you’re going to leave me like $5.

4. Guests With A Bad Attitude (Including Indecisive Guests and Guests Who Lie).

I have a question. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t like other people, why are you at a restaurant? You know, a public business with lots of people, some of which you need to interact with? You should really prepare yourself for this kind of thing before you go outside your house.

Guests with a bad attitude and a chip on their shoulder…hmm…you know, I just don’t understand these people. And I don’t trust them. The kind of guests that complain about literally EVERYTHING, even things that are done correctly are critiqued and reluctantly accepted with a quippy little comment.

When I go out to eat at a restaurant, I’m usually in a good mood. I’m probably at least a little excited, especially if I like the place. I don’t understand people who go out to eat when they’re clearly angry about something.

People who preemptively warn you not to mess anything up are also on the list. This is the type of person that generalizes the whole restaurant and you as a part of it. “Oh, uh, hello? Yes, you. Make sure they bring extra lettuce. There’s never enough lettuce for these wraps. And make sure it’s really green, not white looking. Ew.” In a nasty tone of voice. WHY ARE YOU HERE? I really want to know. Unfortunately my bosses would consider it incredibly rude if I asked a guest something like that. But don’t you want to know, too?

Next, people who do not know and cannot decide what they want but insist that you stand by the table (to hold their hand?) while they decide. Slowly. When you asked if they were ready to order, they lied. They told you yes. But they weren’t. They even started their sentence with “I’ll have…” but then a long pause followed and then the words “actually, now I’m reconsidering,” or “actually, I have a question,” etc, etc. Now other tables need things and you’re starting to get behind on your work. But they will not allow you to leave the table. Pretty clear why this one is a problem I think.

Finally, people who lie to get free shit. This really grates my nerves. This is not just annoying, it’s stealing and it’s wrong. They generally have the nasty attitude described above, they complain about EVERYTHING, they will send a dish back to the kitchen to be remade and often multiple times. They will complain about food quality, drinks, service, the air conditioning, the volume of the music, the table they are sitting at, they will even complain to the managers’ faces about how poorly they are doing their job (when they have assuredly NEVER stepped foot into a restaurant as an employee). These people are doing something very calculated here. They are LYING. They are lying to get free shit. There is no way that all of these things are a problem. If that were true, there would be no other guests in the restaurant enjoying themselves. Because they know that if they lie, the manager will either comp their meal or give them a gift card for a future visit. The managers aren’t going to call them out because then the guest will turn around and call Corporate and chew them out. Seriously. (And then Corporate will send them a gift card….hehehehe). If they need to pay for anything, they will pay with a gift card they got from a previous visit (probably at another location) where they pulled this exact same bull. They do this at every restaurant and always eat for free. They will not leave a tip on the gift cad or anywhere. But they will probably leave a mess. Yes…adults who create and leave a mess at dinner tables. I don’t get this one either…but I’ll digress.

I don’t think I need to even explain why I’m writing about this as something that I just can’t stand.

Rule #4: Leave the bad attitude at home, or better yet, yourself. If you’re not ready to order, don’t tell me you are; that’s lying. Don’t lie to me and my bosses, and don’t steal from me and from the place where I work. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAY ANY OF THIS. And I can’t believe I even feel the need to.

If you want a good chuckle over this stuff, search “Why Your Server Hates You” on YouTube. There’s even a P.F. Changs one if you add “P.F. Changs” to your search terms. But honestly, people, aren’t restaurants, taverns, bars, banquet halls, buffets and dining rooms all supposed to be happy places where we all coexist and get along? Enjoying a meal with someone whose company you enjoy would put you in a good mood, I’d think, and I’d hope we’d be grateful to the person who is facilitating our entire experience. Indeed, sharing a meal is the most primal and natural human boding exercise, practiced by our ancestors since long before the days of homo sapiens. And most people get this part, even some of those who don’t know how to tip. And you forgive them and say, “at least they were nice,” and forget about it. But people who come with a defensive, nasty, cheap attitude are just examples of how class isn’t about money, and  they don’t have either most of the time. This is about treating your fellow human with respect, people, it should come naturally to us. It really disturbs me sometimes and how deeply that’s still not the case.

Alrighty, we’re going to end this one here before I have an aneurysm. I promise something much more positive next time :)

Bartholomew Fair: What the hell is wrong with everyone?

I’ve recently been working on a production of Ben Jonson’s Bartholomew Fair, which is a lot more than a raunchy comedy. It’s also a very experimental play (perhaps Jonson’s most experimental) written in the early 17^th century (think Shakespeare).

Okay, Background: From 1133-1855, Bartholomew Fair is one of London’s biggest and most popular summer fairs. It’s like a giant carnival: there are vendors, silly things to buy, singers and puppeteers, hookers, etcetera, all kinds of people, oh yeah and generally hot, humid, miserable weather right at the end of August in England (yikes). If you wanna know more, I suggest Wikipedia.

The fair is really a setting to unravel the diverse, wide spectrum of lifestyles and the type of people that appear throughout the fair. There’s this “one day in the life of” kind of thing, a little bit like Virginia Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway, a story about one day in the life of an English woman (I know that’s later, and I’m obviously not citing it as a reference for Jonson). The English seem to like telling stories about “a day in the life of ____” for some reason? Anyway, here Jonson is talking about one day in the life of this particular fair (which probably would have gone on quite a bit longer than a day).

What we’re really talking about though is the social, political and religions problems faced by the people who lived in this society, namely London society, at this time.

But, who cares what people in London had to deal with in 1614? That was, like, a long time ago right? And far away from America?

Before you write the importance of this play off, consider the significance of other Jacobean works like, oh, pretty much all of Shakespeare’s stuff, since that’s all most people really recognize. We quote lines from Hamlet to this day in common conversation. Anyone who looks at this blog will immediately recognize the Shakespearean theme and references all over the place. Why is that?

Shakespeare gives us a clear cut view of the human condition in pretty much all of his plays. Maybe the view isn’t WHOLE; in fact a lot of times he’s focusing in on something very particular (we usually call this the hero’s “tragic flaw,” examples: Hamlet’s indecisiveness, Othello’s jealousy, etcetera). By using one character’s human failings, he brings the other characters to life and highlights their own humanity.

My point here is that regardless of the playwright, humanity is essentially FLAWED, and in that it is, in a way, perfect. We are perfect in that we are not perfect. Our imperfections allow us to learn, grow and change. They also provide pretty good entertainment sometimes and can be tragic, hilarious, but never inconsequential. They create diversity among us. We’re not all just a bunch of little uniform angels or saints floating around in holiness; we make mistakes, we hurt each other, we love, we hate, we are emotional and wild creatures to a certain extent, yet also “civilized” (I use quotes here because I have reservations about this sometimes, honestly) and socialized, and our interaction with each other is an important part of our lives as well as a source of study for the human condition.

Ben Jonson definitely explores the human condition in this raunchy comedy. To be honest, the play is “bloody” hilarious, especially if it’s performed and directed well.

But let’s get started pounding some of this out. What makes Bartholomew fair something that’s significant to us today? This long-forgotten play has been resurrected a couple of times in modern history, and despite its early popularity, most of these modern interpretations have not been met with the greatest of reviews. I think this production will be a bit different, but let’s not get off track…

Like I’ve described, everyone in this play comes from a wide range of social classes. “Carnies” and “Gentry” are terms you could use to generalize this, carnie essentially referring to common-folk, and well, gentry is self-explanatory. Without getting into too much detail about every single character (otherwise I’d be writing this for hours), suffice it to say that the fair is a place where multiple kinds of people come together in a common situation. People can dress or act outside their class. They can also openly be whatever it is they are (except for Edgeworth, the cutpurse (that’s a pickpocket, kids), because that kind of thing will get you hanged if you get caught). While the magistrate, if you will, disguises himself to discover “enormities” (that means bad things and bad people, kids), some of the women become prostitutes, sort of by accident, and mask themselves as well, and many of the other characters are openly and freely themselves. They get in little scraps, they throw insults, make jokes, make fun of each other, and generally just act like normal people, if there is such a thing.

The comic, satirical plot serves to unify all of these characters; this happens at the end, where there’s a puppet show that both carnie and gentry alike attend and enjoy. The distinct groups of people become one unified, weird, complex but organic conglomerate of people… And then they all go home with the mayor magistrate guy or whatever he is and have dinner (and the rest of the puppet show). I hope he has a maid or something, because at this point his wife is puking (from drinking too much and having sort of accidentally become a hooker) and probably doesn’t wanna cook at all, let alone for everyone in the fair. Or maybe he’s planning on picking up some pig and ale takeout from Ursula’s. I don’t know. It probably would have been easier to just pay for everyone to eat there instead of bringing them all to his house, but I digress, this play is like 400 years old.

But the plot devices that lead everyone to the puppet show is not the only unifying characteristic. The puppet show kind of makes fun of everyone and also brings everyone together in laughter and common humor. Regardless of class or status, everyone finds it entertaining, funny. Indeed, the performance ITSELF is the true unifier. This appeals to me because I LOVE acting so much, and especially in the THEATER, where you have a live audience to wrench and tug at and affect in any number of ways. The puppet show is crucial here: it is a representation of theater, of drama itself, as an important unification device.

And let’s all be honest. Watching stuff together is unifying. Ever been in a movie theater when a really exciting or scary or funny movie is playing and everyone reacts together? I’ve even heard audience members in the movies shout out funny comments that make the entire audience laugh. You’d think most people would consider that kind of thing rude, but I think there’s something about watching a show where other people basically live life in various situations which maybe we can or can’t identify with, but can at least imagine, that makes us feel unified, feel “the same,” as humans.

“Bartholomew Fair” opens tonight (March 31, 2011) and runs through Saturday night (April 2, 2011) in the Student Theater at BU. Information about Willing Suspension Productions, including show dates & times, ticket prices and reservations, actors, directors and more can be found here.

So I was discussing the state of the world with a friend of mine from work, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the biggest problem right now is the entertainment industry. As it stands, the entertainment industry provides a constant, 24/7 escape from REALITY. They use some very simple tools, too. Sex, money, opulence…things that APPEAL to people in the world we live in. Now, reality can suck, and escapes are often quite nice. But all the time? Don’t we have problems to solve here on planet Earth? You know, natural disasters rocking every hemisphere, war, poverty, disease, political corruption? Frankly I feel like this is just another problem to be solved: Mind Control. Seriously, how many of your opinions aren’t formed as the result of some kind of media influence? How much of what you do, say and think on a daily basis is original and YOU? And how much of your daily life is dictated by the entertainment industry?

For example, clothing trends. I once dated a guy who was so metro he was actually bordering on obsessive about his clothing (and mine). I went shopping with him more than anyone else (including all my girlfriends) probably to this day. He was always worried about what was trendy, what would look “rich” and “classy.” Also, what would look expensive and go with his BMW (I’m not kidding here).

But where do the trends come from? Where do you pick them up? When I was a freshman in college, the CW show Gossip Girl was HUGE, and I indulged myself. But then every time I went to a CVS or something, “Gossip Girl Fashion!” was on the cover of every women’s magazine. And how about the music you listen to? I remember that TV show would also make musical suggestions for its viewers and advertise that the songs were available on iTunes. And frankly, that boyfriend never really watched the show with me, but he dressed a LOT like Chuck or Nate….I’m just saying.

STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO WEAR!!!

Another example? I was going through a friend’s profile pictures on Facebook, and she had a doppleganger pic up from Doppleganger Week (I’m ashamed to say I participated in this for a day, just to get into the spirit of things…still not sure why). But the caption read “one day I will be YOU!” Seriously, we want to BE these people!! Everything we do is an imitation and NOTHING in our daily lives is original anymore! They tell us what to eat, what to wear, where to go, how to talk, how to THINK.

Now, I say all this as an entertainer. Since I was 3, you haven’t been able to get me off the freaking stage. This is true of me to this day. I’m an unapologetic spotlight whore when it comes to the stage, and it’s not that I can’t share the stage with anyone else…it’s just home to me, it’s where I feel like I can be ME the most, which is odd considering I’m an actress, meaning my job is to exude something other than me…to a certain extent. But that’s something to be unraveled in another blog. The point is, as an entertainer my job is to influence, to be noticed in some way. But I feel like that should begin and end with the performance (and maybe some reflection on the cathartic properties of it). But the truth is, people just can’t be themselves anymore. They have to be someone else.

But back to the entertainment industry. Has anyone out there been paying attention? I mean, Hollywood isn’t coming out with original ideas anymore. Almost everything coming out lately is a remake of something. Transformers? True Grit? Karate Kid? Dirty Harry? Those new Terminator movies? The Neverending Story and Total Recall are coming out in 2012…

I rest my case.

Everything coming out lately is a REMAKE of something else that someone else came up with at some time other than now. Everything that’s not a remake is crap. Need more examples? Prince of Persia. I Am Number Four (seriously, this was so bad it made me angry). I mean, Black Swan received nominations and wins in multiple categories at the Golden Globes and the Oscars this year. And this is a movie starring the chick from the Star Wars prequels and the chick from That 70’s Show and Family Guy. Natalie Portman I can maybe take seriously, but I’m not so sure about Mila Kunis… And the whole story just seemed so weird and egocentric that I will admit I didn’t even have the slightest desire to go see it.

And as far as the music industry goes, well, when was the last time you heard a song that you believe the person singing it/ band performing it actually wrote BY THEMSELVES? Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

….

….

Give up? I’ll tell you. It’s probably been since around the 90’s. Frankly, that’s not long after I was born. Sad, sad, sad.

At my job, we’re subjected to all kinds of horrendous music on the corporate-approved restaurant satellite radio station. You know, that “Firework” song by Katy Perry? I frequently consider slitting my wrists with a plastic butter knife when this comes on during my shift. I won’t get started on this because this kind of music makes me seriously, SERIOUSLY angry. A lot of this is due to the fact that I know she probably had nothing to do with the writing or composition of this “song” (I use quotation marks GENEROUSLY here). My father is a musician. My boyfriend is a musician. I was once a musician and still dabble. To me, calling this type of crap “music” is actually offensive. The best music that ever plays at this place is The Ghosts, or this Italian guy named Nek (I had to use Shazam for this one), which I’d say are mediocre at worst, catchy at best. Catchy isn’t good enough for me, sorry.

Speaking of iPhone apps, the social media craze is the latest facet of this problem with the entertainment industry.

We’ve got iPhone, iPhone apps, iPad, Android and Android apps (and they’re coming out with a tablet to compete with iPad), Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, (I mean even CNN has a twitter!), IM, text messaging, instantaneous e-mail on your phone…the list goes on.

I mean, really? Can I just unplug myself for a minute? I can’t even keep track anymore. I feel like I’m literally plugged into the Matrix…you know, like Neo?

I think this is the most crippling problem we face as citizens in the fabric of our society right now. That’s not to say it’s the biggest problem. Like Morpheus said, it’s a really deep rabbit hole. But let’s focus on step 1. Everything we do, say, think and feel is informed by, influenced by, or directly the cause of something we experience in the never-ending media circus of our lives. Unless you have figured this out already and are actively trying to be an INDIVIDUAL, you are basically a part of the Borg collective. Ergo, you are a DRONE. I’ll say that again. DRONE. Get it?

Resistance is futile, right?

I mean, do you really think Gene Roddenberry pulled it all out of his ass?

The thing is, we need to look outside ourselves. We need to stop being such a selfish, consumerist society of people who thinks we’re the only people anywhere in the Universe and that the only things that matter (or happen) are right here. If we were to understand this, think how much less importance and meaning things like money, trends, greed, racism, and the basic frivolities of life would have to us as a human race.

That’s right, the chains on our minds would be broken. We’d be free from the Matrix. Now, a lot of you out there would probably not like that…you’d probably react like that guy Cypher in the Matrix who wants to get plugged back in.

But not me.

I believe the human mind is one of the most amazing machines out there, and I for one am tired of seeing its potential stifled and used against us.

So stop buying in to all the CRAP and start being YOURSELF! Not who they TELL you to be. Be who YOU tell you to be. Cause seriously, the machine just wants your money.

Seriously, Shakespeare, because I was healthy all winter here in Beantown, and now that March has hit I’m sick as a dog. The good part is that it’s finally given me the free time to start this freaking thing.

So. About me. 21 years old, female, currently living in Boston and finishing a degree in Art History this May. I live with my boyfriend and our now 8 month old, seriously insane kitten. We both work in corporate chain restaurants to pay the bills. Outside the restaurant and classroom, I like to think of myself as a thespian, and I freely admit to being a total nerd. I play World of Warcraft, listen to alternative/rock/metal (although I can appreciate just about anything. Really, anything. I once did a research project on Italian Baroque Opera), perform in plays where the characters don’t speak the same English as you and me…you know, normal stuff. I watch copious amounts of theater, Star Trek and almost anything created by Seth MacFarlane (his inclusion of Patrick Stewart in American Dad is honestly what lured me in).

So why am I blogging now? Well, I used to blog back in the days of LiveJournal and Xanga….remember that? But back then, your blog was really just your diary edited for content and posted online. And some blogs are still the same today. But I have a few things I want to do with this. I guess I just have too many thoughts in my head…. and I need to get them out like everyone else.

So you’ll be seeing lots of different things up here…reviews, opinions, suggestions, astrology, academia, random rants, photos, whatever. I was kind of inspired by redlettermedia.com, basically this guy does video blog reviews of terrible movies (like the Star Wars prequels) that are hilarious. And also by “Julie and Julia,” the endlessly sappy movie about a girl named Julie who is unhappy with her life living above a pizza shop with her husband in Queens (where I was born) and develops a slightly psychotic obsession with Meryl Streep’s Julia Childs, resulting in her spending a whole year cooking everything in Childs’s cookbook and blogging about it. Apparently this is based on a true story…which scares me JUST A LITTLE.

Anyway I watched this stuff and said to myself, “Self, you have a lot the same opinions, (although thankfully not the existential crisis revolving around a dead culinary legend) you too should voice them on the off-chance that anyone will listen!” So here I am. Shakespeare-themed and ready to go.